NEED MAD SCIENTIST TO CLONE DOG
1 of 16
“I need a mad scientist to clone a dog. It is the best dog in the universe and there should be 2 or more if it in existence. I have 60 dollars. Thank you. NO FLAKES
$50 Bonus if you can make it speak English and Japanese.”
Diety Wanted
2 of 16
“The Grace of Our Lord church seeks a new Lord for worship. Candidates must be monotheistic in nature with at least 3,000 years of experience. Absolutely NO animal or human sacrifice must be required. Deities that do not forbid bacon or alcohol are preferred. No confusing trinities or disparate gospels will be considered.
If you think that you are right god for the job, please send resume, cover letter, and sample holy text. No applications will be accepted by burning bush or divine revelation.”
R. Kelly Impersonator
3 of 16
“I am looking for an R. Kelly impersonator to follow me around this Saturday and narrate everything I do as if its a part of the song “trapped in the closet”. Hourly rate is negotiable, all applicants are subject to audition. Looks are irrelevant.”
Compensation: Hourly rate negotiable
Coffee Table of the Gods
4 of 16
“This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie. As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity.
Qualities: Carpeted, Mirrored, The muthertrucker spins, Doesn’t have any weird splotches under black lights
Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity. The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White.”
For the Witches and Strippers
5 of 16
“For the witches and strippers: Got a witch you need imprisoned in the town square? Perhaps the village idiot has crossed one too many lines, or some street rat has stolen bread? Then look below and no further as I have a set of working, and locking stocks, custom made by burly, god fearing hands that expect old school protestant justice. So come haul them away and lock up whom ever needs a good punishing! All for $150 or best offer…
Second on the block is a portable stripper pole. Constructed by the same burly god fearing hands. Come on, you can’t have Christianity without hypocrisy. Large 4′ x4′ base and 8′ pole comes complete with bags of sand to weigh it down. You don’t want those stripper breaking a leg now do ya? How else are they suppose to support their fatherless children and/or cocaine habit if they hurt themselves.
Buy both, and if the stripper sucks you can lock her up! Its a win win situation and also puts her in a perfect standing doggie style position.”
Star Wars Cherry Pop
6 of 16
“Wanna break my Star Wars cherry? Yes, it’s true, I’ve never seen ‘Star Wars.’ I was 14 years old when the original came out (you do the math) and somehow I never managed to see it, or any of the sequels. It’s time. I’m ready to hand in my Star Wars V-card…Imagine how hot will it be to sit next to me as I experience — for the first time!–It will be no less than miraculous, I’m sure. A spiritual epiphany.
This is a one-time offer. I mean, once it’s busted, there’s no getting my Star Wars cherry back, ya know? So I want it to be good. I want my first time to be memorable. Special. I want the build-up, the excitement, the breathless anticipation, all of it. I want you to tease me with your superior Star Wars wisdom until I’m begging you to please please PLEASE put it in, put it in!!
**Please note this is NOT an offer or request for any sort of sexual activity but I probably won’t want to see you again, which is why I consider this a casual encounter.**
Horse in a Hotel
7 of 16
“Hi. My friend would really like to meet the person who snuck this horse into a hotel. Was it you? Was it your friend? Let me know if you have any info!”
Free Weave (Purple Comb Included)
8 of 16
“This alluring weave can be found hanging on a bush on SE Francis Street and SE 36th Ave.
Not really sure how it could have gotten here but some of our guesses are that the previous owner:
1. wanted to go back to her natural hair length
2. was drunk and got a little too rough with her comb
3. got into a fight and lost
Or quite possibly, she might want someone else to have long luxurious hair just like she once did and work it.
Will it be you?
Get it girl.”
Knocked-Up Whore Cat
Butt Pumpkin
10 of 16
“One free butt-pumpkin. Do you want an old pumpkin that looks like a butt. Pick it up in the alley behind Inn-Joy/Small Bar/Thai Village. First come, first who gets butt pumpkin. You can hold it up to your butt in pictures and it looks like you have a pumpkin for a butt. Due to the high demand, we will no longer be taking calls. Thank you.”
Crucifix Dobro Guitar Played by Funky Jesus
11 of 16
“$Priceless: Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park…Standing at an imposing 6’6″ tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5” spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There’s even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4″ female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.
The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.”
’94 Miata WuMissle
12 of 16
“Enter the Wu – 94 Miata WuMissle
Ayo whattup the drift world is full of wishwash S13s nahmean. Imma jus get right to it:
94 Miata (dropped same year as 6 Feet Deep). 5spds, so you choose. Springs cut with Shaolin steel. No muffler, so swarm. Diff welded with words. New timing belt, water pump. Recently blessed.
I aint gonna front shits real bouncy son, best part is it bangs but it aint dickridin nobody else style namsayin. But check it shit looks like Ish from WCC got the interior on. Runs like Tunechi when he see a dick swingin near. Drop $1800 gotta update the kitchen. May trade for a motherfuckin Ruckus.”
Baby Daddy
Mule Named Sal
14 of 16
“Wanted: Mule named Sal
Looking for a mule named Sal to travel to Buffalo on the Erie Canal. Must be a good ol’ worker and and a great ol’ pal. Name is non-negotiable.”
1 Bdrm Hollywood Apartment
15 of 16
“1 bdrm apartment, Perfect for college student! Quiet building, close to parks and public transportation
Amenities: “Private secure entrance, Exposed brick, Fireplace, Spacious furnished bedroom, Overhead lighting, Stainless steel appliances, Plenty of closet space”
Fine Print: “Month to month, No Pets, Non-smoker prefered”
Location: Hollywood
Source: ChaCha.com
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