First I’ll say hello to y’all and thank you to deolu for giving me the opportunity to write for his blog. I’m @homeschooldnerd , down to business aiit?
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I have lived and I have been hurt,
I have loved and now I’ve learnt.
Generally its been said of humans that once you start showing someone how important they are in your lives, you start to lose your importance in theirs. For lovers, this gradually leads to loss of trust, unnecessary assumptions, break up and eventually heartbreak. I don’t know if I should be writing to tell you how to escape heartbreak, but I’ll be writing what’s in my head.
No doubt I’ll be speaking some people’s minds.
I’m listening to ‘Promise This’ by Adele, and I’m thinking; I never had the idea that love was rosy. I learnt early enough that those we love aren’t always available to give back that love. And I had protected my heart from heart break. I thought I could run away from it forever. The delusion of Love. But in all the little ways I never imagined, my heart has been broken. Tiny pieces, my porcelain heart.
In avoiding heartbreak, I pretended not to love. I always chose the path of a gangster, in avoiding heartbreak I broke hearts instead and never went back to say sorry. I always made the other sex my pseudo-siblings. I made music my bestfriend and let it comfort me through thick and thin. Talked to the eternal creator and he alone I told my hidden secrets. I would pray for the strength to give up a potential lover. I never believed in promises.
*sigh*
I wasn’t paranoid but I programmed myself to detect a lie.
Np; ‘Never Alone’ by Barlow Girls……
And despite these defenses, I feel in love and I haven’t been the same since then. Full of assumptions and reading meanings into where they do not belong. I didn’t fall in love, I grew in it.
From friendship to best friends, to love.
But my fear for heartbreaks won’t let me. I always cling to him and he grew to believe I couldn’t do without him. And so one unsuspecting day, he broke my heart. He told me he loved me, but just had to do it. How I broke down, with tears and songs and thoughts to kill myself.
‘Promises’ by Cranberries.
She’s going to leave him over
She’s going take her love away
So much for your eternal vows, well
It does not matter anyway.
Why can’t you stay
Here a while
Stay here awhile
Stay with me……………………………
Then two days later, he apologized and said he was sorry. Felt like he was toying with my heart. And so I made up my mind to avoid heartbreak again.
Did you see what I did;
I preferred being on my own.
I never let my head fall with me even if my body wanted to fall in love.
I learnt to love myself, I can’t break my heart.
Avoiding heartbreak and I might have as well ended my life.
Because to live is to love. But to love is also to be heartbroken. I smile and laugh and try to make my friends happy, but they do not know the pain which I hide inside. Behind that smile which you see, of which there is death, you do not know the words left unsaid. I want to feel loved, but will not risk being hurt. So I will keep running and avoiding heartbreak. And how tears drop each time I kill that tiny fire of growing passion for anyone. Anyone at all. Its not that I do not try to love, but I can’t, won’t be hurt. Not anymore.
If only they knew……… They think they know me, and that they think they can give me all the love I want and that in them I have all the love I need. I do not believe in fairy tales any longer, but I know……… I do not know how, but I just know true love will eventually come.
*Sigh* ILLUSIONS.
Its pointless hoping that I will teach you how to escape heartbreak. Needless to say, nobody can truly escape heartbreak
Disclaimer:
Its written in first person singular, but its not my love story. 🙂
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